Dear Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of Netflix,
While I kind of sort of appreciate your "sorry, but I'm actually really not sorry" apology that was personalized and sent to me, I just don't buy it. I feel as though someone has warped your mind and you're currently being controlled by aliens. Your idea of creating "Qwikster," as a DVD-by-mail program and keeping Netflix as an 'online steaming only' site, is probably (aside from Cumberland Farms debating on whether or not to discontinue the grape flavored slurpee), one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.
The name Qwickster alone is a complete and utter failure. The fact that you've suddenly morphed into a 13 year old girl who thynks itz kool 2 change werdz AnD spEll dem lyke Dis is unbecoming and nauseating. Newsflash kimosabe, someone else already came up with the idea to change the spelling of 'quick' and make it something cool and original...the creators of Nestle Quik, that chocolaty drink that was popular when I was a kid!!! But you know what wasn't popular, Reed? The fact that you had to measure out the chocolate powder just right, put it into the milk, and stir it to perfection. We're in a very fast-paced, digital time period, and this DVD by mail phenomenon will die out faster than that chocolaty drink. Guess what happened when kids were totally OVER the manual labor of stirring that chocolate powder till it mixed together into foamy frothy deliciousness? They said "F this" and grabbed a Yoo-Hoo instead! That is exactly the same path your Qwickster company is going to take, only instead of grabbing a jug of already mixed chocolate milk, they're gonna get on their underrated Redbox grind and start using that as their source of cinematic entertainment. Though I was skeptical at first, Redbox is pretty cool and has a wide selection of movies that I only pay a dollar for, AND while at first they were few and far between, they're becoming similar to pimples on an adolescent and are popping up everywhere.
I feel like you're just a mess, and this email you sent me is a desperate attempt of reaching out for help. Like you knew we were on the verge of a break up and you just threw out a Hail Mary hoping it would save you and we'd go out on a dinner date to Friendly's and talk about how each one of us is going to try and make it work. However, if I were to work on anything during your long period of unemployment, I would work on your apology skills because to basically tell me you've made me a double stack of pancakes, but I have to travel across town to get the maple syrup and butter, is just not going to work for me.
My birthday is in 39 days, which gives you plenty of time to redeem yourself. I really enjoy skittles, and I've always wanted an edible arrangement, but I'll leave it up to you to decide on the best approach to win back my friendship. Until then, consider my subscription cancelled, and consider your Qwickster plan to be one of the biggest abominations in history since Elektra, denim on denim, and Heidi Montag's musical career.
Now go stare at the wall and think about what you've done.
Love,
Tori
No comments:
Post a Comment